Tammy's In Love

Amongst the Chaos

She turned six weeks old yesterday. She's fighting a cold. I'm a little worried. I know I shouldn't be. He is in control. But that's what I do, you see? I worry. Its kinda like a bag of sand on my back this thing called worry. It's heavy and hard to carry. Sometimes laying it down at His feet is the hardest. But when its there it is so comforting. Like I've ran a mile and can finally breathe again. Like a hot drink when my throat is sore. Like a warm fire when I'm cold. It's comforting but takes an effort on my part to get there. Why is it so hard? To trust. To really just give it all to Him daily? To be in a constant state of gratitude. I want to. I think about it all the time. But I'm not. I'm not grateful as much as I should be. I complain but worst, I worry. I treat life like its my thing. Like its up to me to change things and it is to an extent but He, He gives me the desire. He gives me the go ahead. That is being what grateful is. Realizing that He puts that desire and want in me and it is nothing that I do but accept and be thankful. 

I have five children. Five. 

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that God has given me five children. Especially since I feel like I'm a jumbled mess most of the time. A very sweet lady at my church commented last week how I must be such an organized person to get my children all dressed so nicely to church. I crumbled inside just a little. Oh, do I appear to have it all together? My appearance has told a lie. Little does she know that I usually wake up for church late. Rush around getting everything ready and ironed all along listening to my husbands voice inside my head from the night before saying "you should go ahead and iron the girls clothes" and do I listen? No. Andrew calls me a free spirit. I never have a plan written out. I simply just go with it. I have many plans but they never really reside on paper, just in my head. I try to get them on paper but I never can find a pen I like or a notebook that doesn't have scribbles of crayon all over it. Yes, I realize I have issues. Because in all honesty I do have several notebooks that would do the job quite well but if I mess them up and don't write in them for the reasons that I originally bought them that makes me....well, now I just sound a tad OCD so I will quit while I'm ahead. Back to the comment. When my children are all dressed and the "bigs' have gone on to Sunday School without me, because you see I can't find the time since Emme to actually get to Sunday School on time so I just don't go, I think I will have plenty time to myself. But reality set in and I have a baby crying and a toddler who wants to watch another episode of Dora and I, by this time am just ready to leave. So my plans of showering before church and looking all pretty and cute have come to please just let my hair look nice. That is all. Just let me fix my hair. Throw on a bit of makeup and hope that people can't tell that I haven't washed my hair in days. I don't have time to shower. I look at the clock and it appears that I'm late again. Where are my shoes? Keys? Has the dog been feed? Dang, I still have to pack the diaper bag. This is all before church and by the time I get there I'm exhausted and usually dealing with an almost two year old who doesn't want to stay in the nursery and clinging to me for dear life. So you see precious lady, I am not an organized person. I'm clearly an organized mess. I run on fumes. I'm not quite sure how everything comes together but it usually does. It must be Grace. Because without His grace I am desolate. 

So there you have it. Me in a nutshell this morning. The boys are awake and probably playing with there pokemon cards, Karigan is asleep on the couch because she felt nauseous last night, Lillie is still asleep in her crib, Emme is in her bassinet sleeping peacefully, and here I am. Preparing. Taking in the quiet before the storm of the day. Before I absolutely have to get up and face the day. I make it sound terrible while really its just the normal. Its busy. Its chaotic....but its our normal. The list of endless tasks that I never write down but somehow its all crammed up there in my small brain. Laundry to do, bottles to wash, dog to be brushed, school to be had. Its my day to day....But I am thankful. I'm thankful for gift of these five souls who have been entrusted in my care. But I'm even more thankful that in spite of my shortcomings He is still in control. Even if I can't write things down because I don't know where to start and if I do I will mess the pages up. I'm thankful. He gets me. He will change me. And somehow He has it all worked out. 

A New Year

Andrew woke me up this morning and made me breakfast. One egg, toast with blackberry jam, banana and pineapple smoothie, and my favorite hot coffee. It was good and healthy. Fulfilling. He read Psalms 10 and I sat quietly eating while trying to digest the scripture. I felt convicted and it felt good honestly. Not the weeping conviction of a terrible sin that I’ve committed, although I’ve committed many, but good because I’ve felt so blah toward God’s word lately. I’ve learned over the years not to depend on my feelings when it comes to my faith but the truth of God’s word. Something that is really hard for me because I’m a whole bag of feelings. Tenderhearted to the core.

 

I’m expecting our Emmaline Katherine during the first week of March. I’m nervous, excited and anxious to meet her. I’m excited to see what she will look like. Our Lillie has blue eyes and curly blond hair. Think Shirley Temple. Nothing is impossible with God. It almost makes me want to have about twenty kids to see how different each one could look. :)

 

Andrew and I stare amazed at the beauty of our children all the time. I know all parents think their children are the most beautiful and I truly think that to them, they are. There are times I truly think my heart will burst from how much love I have for them. Of course those times usually come when they are all peacefully sleeping in their beds. 

 

I’ve been thinking of how much things are going to change around here soon. Before I found out I was pregnant with #5 I began feeling like I could handle all that God had given me. I was excited about homeschooling again. That’s a miracle in itself. I was painting and really, really enjoying it. Then morning sickness set in and my house and my love of painting went on the back burner.

 

Now here I am almost 30 weeks into this pregnancy and a New Year awaits me.  I do love a fresh start. When Andrew went to work this morning I looked around at my almost clean, naked (just took down Christmas decorations) living room, and it felt good. Of course the sun hasn’t come up yet. Its still 6:19.

 

I’m not good at goals.  I’m even worse at keeping them.  But I can pray. My prayer this year is to have more JOY. Joy in the everyday. Joy is the mundane. Joy in the trails. Joy in the days when I really just feel like staying in my pajamas and not getting out of bed. To stop being so cynical.

 

I want to be glad.

 

I want to be happy.

 

I want to be Joyful.

 

(Because every post needs a picture. This is my dad and my Lillie. Do you think they look alike? This picture makes me happy just to look at.)

 

 

 

 

Lately...

I'm still here. 

Still pregnant. 16 weeks on Friday. Its going fast and slow all at the same time.

I've been overwelmed. Homeschool. Housework. And trying to regain control of the mess that took place during my first trimester. My house has paid the price.

Chasing after Lillie. Or Goldie Locks as we sometimes call her. Ringlets of golden hair. A wild child at heart.

I've cried so many times these last few weeks wondering and praying how I'm going to do it all when this baby comes.

I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle it.

But at the same time there is a calm. I know it comes from Him. 

He placed this child inside my womb. He is teaching me that I can't do it all.

I have to give Grace and learn daily to accept His. 

 

Why We Started Homeschooling

I  want to clarify before you read this that I am not saying that homeschooling is the only way to raise your children to have a heart for God. This is what the Lord laid on my heart. It is part of my testimony. I think homeschooling has been a blessing to our family and wanted to share why we began homeschooling. I wrote this post well over a year ago but wanted to share it with you today.

 

 

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)

 

 

 

 

 

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 

 

 

 

 

“Are you crazy?”

 

     

That is the first thought that popped into my head when my best friend of 17 years, told me that she was homeschooling her son.  I could not think of a reason why she would want to put herself through that.  How in the world would her son fit in with other kids if he were homeschooled? I really just didn’t understand it.

 

    

 My boys had just started second grade. I was ready for summer to be over. I couldn’t wait to send them back to school so that I could have time for myself. Sounds selfish, doesn’t it? I worked at CVS part time as a Pharmacy Technician. I only worked 15-20 hours a week. Karigan, my daughter who was three at time, was in mother’s morning out three days a week. I worked in the evenings mostly from either 4-9 or 5-9 pm.  I picked my boys up from school and quickly rushed home to feed them a snack until we had to rush to the sitters so that I could go to work. Life was hectic. I spent as much time working as I did spending time with my entire family.    

 

     One year ago on August 10, I had my second miscarriage. I remember lying in bed just waiting for it to happen. I had already gone to the doctor and my pregnancy hormone levels were declining.  I waited and finally it was over. The only one who I could talk to during that time was Jesus.  I remember praying that His will would be done and that He would be glorified for it.  Yes, I knew that I was having a miscarriage when I prayed that prayer. He however, had great plans for my family and me.

 

     

After the miscarriage, I began to change.  I was reading my Bible more and going to church even if Andrew didn’t want to come with me.  I clung to prayer and knew that I had to keep my focus on the Lord because if I didn’t I would go into a deep depression.  I allowed myself to grieve but I trusted God through every bit of it.  I have been in the deep black hole of depression before and I did not want to go there again.  I took it day by day and had never felt closer to the Lord as I did those few weeks after the miscarriage.  He was preparing me for something really big. I just didn’t know what.

 

     Things began to return back to normal.  The kids were going to public school.  I quit my job at CVS after the miscarriage.  I didn’t know how we were going to make it.  We were barely getting by with the amount of money that Andrew brought home from his job.  Andrew was worried about money as well, but felt that my place was to be at home with our children.

     

After I quit my job, I remember how often the subject of homeschooling would come up in conversation.  My best friend was homeschooling and another woman that I knew homeschooled.  My heart started changing about it.  I really never thought that Andrew would allow me to homeschool, but I did a lot of research and prayed about it.  The more I fought the idea of homeschooling, the more led I felt to do it.

     

I began to feel like I didn’t know my boys anymore.  I mean they were still my children, but I didn’t know them. I didn’t know their friends. They had this completely different life at school that I knew nothing about.  When they would get home from school it was snack, homework, reading, a little bit of outside time, dinner, bath, and then bed.  That is a lot to do in a 5-hour period.  They came home asking questions about things that we were shocked about!  They were using language that we did not allow or use in our home.  Our life was just not going in the direction that I felt God wanted it to be.

     

Something had to change.  I just didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to make it happen. I toyed with the idea of homeschooling the next year. My heart was full of worry for my boys and our family. I hated the direction and separation that I felt each day I dropped them off at school.

     

And then…

    Andrew received a phone call about a job three hours away from where we lived.  We had always wanted to move away but never had the resources to do it. I had never before seen God work in my life as He did in that month. He literally changed everything about our lives within weeks.

     

We moved within a month of my miscarriage. In one month God blessed me with a pregnancy and took it away for His Glory.  I quit my job.  My Faith was stronger than ever. He gave my husband a new job that he would love. He provided the income for us to move three hours away and I didn’t have to pack a single box. Well, maybe toothbrushes and liquids.  

    He provided the income to buy curriculum. He changed my husband’s heart about homeschooling. 

     

So we moved. We rented an apartment and I didn’t know a soul.  I only knew that God was in control and He had big plans for our future. I was determined that Homeschooling was the only way to rekindle my relationship with my boys and to introduce them to Christ in a new way.  When we moved, I became very involved with my church and found myself surrounded by other homeschool families.  Funny how God provides exactly what you need exactly when you need it most.  I needed friends and I needed people in my life that would support my decision for homeschooling. Not many of my friends or family back home understood why we would take it on ourselves to educate our children.

     

We joined a PCA church. Having been raised Southern Baptist; this was a huge deal for me. I had never really known exactly what I believed. I knew that God loved me.  I knew that His Grace saved me. I believed the Bible to be true. It was the why I believed it that I had a hard time with.

     

My family grew closer than ever.  My Faith was stronger than it had ever been. I was learning what I believed and why. I saw how indoctrinated I was in evolution and was astonished that my boys were even more indoctrinated by evolution than I was. I could not believe how much they learned in public school that they never brought home.  How could I have raised godly men if I didn’t give them the foundation to stand on? Yes, my kids could have been the light in the darkness but they were not ready.  The Bible says in Luke 6:40,  "A pupil is not above his teacher; but everyone, after he has been fully trained, will be like his teacher“ (NASB).

And now….

     

I have my boys back.  I know them again.  I have seen their relationship with the Lord grow and flourish.  It was the hardest and best decision that I have ever made regarding my children. Homeschooling has changed my life.  God has changed my life.  He has made my family stronger.  We stand together everyday.  We learn side by side.

 

 

Deuteronomy 6: 5-7

 

  

 

5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength

 

 

 

6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.

 

 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the  road, when you lie down and when you get up.