I think its sinking in. Last night I had a glass of wine. Today I had to take migraine medicine. This is real. And I am so upset. I can't stand this person who is so unable to control her emotions. One minute I am me. Kind, gentle, pretty together. Well, as together as I can get. And the next, I am irritated. At the smallest thing. I'm angry. Hurt. Over absolutely nothing at all. I feel so out of myself. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This part hurts more than actually losing the baby. This is the part of healing and I know it. This is the part of breaking down. When your emotions take over. I don't like this part. This part hurts. I'm so mad at myself.
This is the grieving, huh? This is the part where you can't just sugar-coat it. God, I don't like this.
I really feel that I've accepted this. I think I know why my body rejects certain babies. I'm pretty sure that it has to do with the antibodies in Andrew's blood and sometimes my body rejects them. It's a comfort to know that there is a why. It's a comfort to know that I have five miraculous blessings and I can actually bear children. But the sadness. It hurts.
God, I know why. But this grieving, I want to be over it.
I want to be healed.
It takes time. I know it.
I told Andrew yesterday that I wasn't back. I just felt it. My mind. My thoughts. It just wasn't in order.
I'm ranting. I'm crying. And honestly, in an hour. I'll probably feel better.
But, I want to remember.
For next time.
God, forbid there be a next time. But, if there is. This will pass. I'll get through it. There will be healing on the other side.